The Big XII's Back Door Men Exposed

Is the dismemberment of the Big XII and conference realignment confusing you?

Having trouble picturing Texas A&M hitting the beaches in So Cal as a part of league travel? (Take off the boots first, Rock.)

Don't sweat it too much. It's actually easy to understand because this kind of thing happens everyday; really just a tawdry story blown up to epic proportions.

Think of it this way: the Big XII was formed as a kind of rebound marriage between an unfaithful guy and his sancha.

Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech and Baylor all left TCU, SMU, Houston and Rice after those last four schools' looks faded back in the mid-90's to hook up with their Big 8 mistress when both decided they looked damn good together and they'd make beautiful babies.

A quick engagement, a Vegas wedding, a glorious union but for its inglorious start.

Then, problems. The big issue, as it is in so many divorces: money.

There was a pre-nup -- drawn up mainly by Texas' lawyers -- that stated whoever gets on television more gets more of the money.

But, hey, Texas was already a popular, successful and wealthy Austin socialite, so who do think got the most face-time? Texas!

Which really started to anger Missouri and Nebraska. Who does Texas think he is, Matthew McConnaughey?

"You got that right, ladies. When you got it, flaunt it!" says Texas.

"You know, I still have bruises on my ribs from the national championship game? Them Bama boys hit hard. Let me whip off my shirt and show you. That'll get the cameras rollin'."

Over the years, the Longhorn love chafed at some of the old Big 8 schools more and more as Texas kept getting the attention while they were being ignored at home.

So Nebraska and Missouri decided to go all Thelma and Louise. They cut loose and started flirting with the Big Ten.

And they liked what they saw.

No flashy Texas smiles here -- the Big Ten is suit-and-tie, button down, sensible shoes, kinda boring -- but...freakin' rich!

However, while its better half was being wooed by the Big Ten, a smokin' hot social-climbing California girl saw a real opportunity to move in and do things to Texas and those other schools that they only dreamed Nebraska and Missouri could do.

Oh, yeah! The Pac-10 -- curvaceous, clever...and conniving.

Texas and friends don't stand a chance, especially when the Pac-10 laid out the plan on how she and her soon-to-be-former-Big-XII lovers could be just as big if not bigger than the Big Ten.

That's the Pac-10. A head for business, a body for sin.

It's not officially over, but it's over; and, as usual, only the kids get hurt. 

In this case, that would be Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State and Baylor.

Foster conferences are ready to help. Possibly the Mountain West.

But Conference USA is also stepping in saying it would make more sense for the kids to join their family so they can still recruit in Texas.

C-USA has even hired a recognized social worker -- former Big 8 Commissioner Chuck Neinas -- to help show these innocent victims that it's not their fault. They're wanted and will be loved, even though C-USA doesn't live in the best neighborhood. 

Who wins and who loses? Now, THAT'S the hard question, especially when everyone has a good lawyer.

But Nebraska's keeping the blender.

Comments

[just a thought]

Extremely clever Duke. Your write-ups should get more shine (attention) as the young'uns would say.

[Russ K]

Who gets the steak? Uh, I mean Bevo?

[patrick stone]

Duke enjoy reading your columns.I've posted your columns in Memphis appeal,and ftworth star telegram.I hope more will read your page better than joe.I am hoping conference usa gets the big 12 leftovers.big east is not a good fit,or mwc. I hope those teams stay in this region.

[MinerMike]

Agreed! Duke, another great job on this topic. Have been posting the link to your column on other media outlets also. Keep up the great work.