Dating Scene

Reading the signs: He/She is just not that into you

After watching "He's just not that into you" last night, I realized that the movie was not that far from the truth. How many of us have fooled ourselves into believing a person is totally into us when they haven't showed the slightest bit of interest?

Allowing our emotions to take over our head with nothing to back them up is a tricky game. We need to be smarter about reading the signs. When we are set on finding someone no matter what the cost, we fabricate and very convincinly believe that the person is interested.

These are a few situations we've all been through at one point or another:

• They seemed interested

. The entire night was great in your eyes. They smiled and seemed to enjoy it. If a person is interested they will show it. Read the person's body language. Do they look you in the eye? Do they ask you questions? It's easy to see things that aren't there when we want something so bad. Don't fool yourself.

• They asked for my number. During the course of the night you get the "I'll call you" comment. Your insides are filled with butterflies. Tomorrow comes and goes with no call. It's not hard to see that they just didn't want to call. If they wanted to they would have. We will go to great lengths to excuse the person. DON'T!
• They don't share anything personal. This usually happens after sharing a few dates together. You spend time together yet they are very vague about themselves. Being interested in someone means wanting to share everything you can about yourself in order to get to know each other. The lack of sharing personal information may mean they just aren't interested in anything serious.

I'm sure there are plenty more things we miss when we are blinded by our insecurities. We need to go into the dating scene with our senses as sharp as ever in order to avoid an easily preventable heartache. Eyes wide open!

Thank you for reading :)

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

It's true that in the dating world it's a good idea to take a deeper look. Just because someone appears to be legit doesn't mean they are. Is the person you're dating who they say they are? Are their intentions what they say they are or what you think they are?

It's a very practical and wise choice to do a little digging. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking all of you to go out and hire private detectives to follow the person around but just make a little extra effort to find out more about this person.

Sadly we've heard stories of women dating men who turn out to be married or men dating women that never mentioned having any children. Choosing to wear a wool over your eyes is not a healthy choice. Sometimes we want something so bad that we ignore all the obvious.

Self-protection needs to be practiced by everyone in the dating merry-go-round. In the past I have made the mistake of assuming to know someone when in reality I didn't have a clue as to who they were or what their intentions were. The result was heartache and lower self-esteem.

Appearances CAN be deceiving but even more deceiving are the things we tell ourselves to excuse having second thoughts about the person we are with.

Better to be alone than with the wrong person... I AGREE 100%!!! Would you stand for someone that has flat our lied about who they are? So why stick around after finding out that the person you're with isn't who you thought they were?

I would love to hear your stories and comments on the subject. Thank you fore reading :)

Getting Back Out There

Getting back into the dating scene after a long pause or even a break-up is hard.

This past weekend I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine. He's been out of the dating scene for a while. For the last few years he devoted his time to his kids and his career leaving his love life on the back burner. He wants to get back out there and start dating again, he just doesn't know why he hasn't.

Getting back on that saddle is harder for some. The idea of dating after such a pause is scary. Fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of losing their identity, etc. Finding the time to date becomes a task they hadn't needed to consider.

For some it's just exhausting. Telling yet one more person what their favorite color is, or what their favorite food is. It feels like such a long and complicated process that they choose to avoid it altogether. What do we do to make the transition easier?

• Take your time. There is no rush. Taking time to prepare yourself for this new journey is worth it. Make sure you are ready to be out there again. If there are doubts in your mind then wait a bit longer. If you just got out of a relationship it is better to allow yourself to heal and resolve any lingering issues. Don't get back out there on the rebound. That will do no one any good.
• Know what you want to find. If your journey back into the dating scene is to find a serious relationship, you will know exactly what to look for. Same goes for something casual. Make sure you are aware of the things you are looking for and of course what to avoid.
• Make your move. Once you find someone you are interested in, take your time getting to know each other. Again there is no rush, why rush into something? We tend to make very bad decisions when we don't have all the variables. Get to know the person and I'm sure you will get to know some things about yourself as well.

It comes down to doing what you feel is right for you. If you are still unsure you want to get back out there my advice is to do a bit more soul searching. You'll eventually know what to do.

Thank you for reading :)

The Break-up Song

"We were on a break!" - Ross Gellar. The "Friends" fans got that one :)

When we start the relationship journey we are all aware that at one point we may have to do the break up song. I have had my share of break ups. Is there such a thing as proper break-up etiquette?

There are a number of things that need to occur in order to have a "proper" break up. Is there such a thing? YES! I've had the bad break ups and the mutual break ups and every kind in between. What I mean by proper is simply the way the break up is approached.

For instance, take Liz. She's been with Mark for 10 months. Lately she's been feeling like she's ready to move on and move out of this relationship. What can she do?

1. Be honest - If you have seriously considered the break up then it's time to bring it up. Don't wait or expect things to change miraculously overnight. If you are feeling unsure about your next move, take some time to think things through. It'll be the best thing to do for both your sakes.

2. Be considerate - There is no need for blame. It's pointless unless your goal is to hurt the other person's feelings. When a relationship ends it simply was meant to. Putting the blame for its demise solely on the other person is not only inconsiderate but just plain unnecessary.

3. Take your time - It's best to have a good conversation about the events transpiring just to make sure the other person understands what is happening. We all know that closure is very important and unfortunately we don't always get that. Be honest about your feelings.

4. End it - One thing I have learned is that a friendship is not always possible after a break up. Sometimes the other person still has feelings for you. How hard would it be for them to see that you have moved on without them. Your relationship must be really strong in order to survive being put in a completely platonic state. It would be great if we could all simply go on as if nothing ever happened but that's not always the case.

I understand that in some cases we must simply leave the relationship without the need of the previous. In these instances we must leave it all behind and move on with our lives. It's the hardest thing to do for most but it's also the strongest sign of change.

Never feel obligated to be with someone for any reason. There is no such thing. If your feelings have changed for that person then it's time to move on. Stringing someone along is the lowest thing you can do to a person's self-esteem. End it! Live and let live...

I hope this helps someone make the right decision. Thank you for reading :)

Have a question or a topic suggestion? Email me at Klizarra1@aol.com

Battle of the Sexes

Men vs. Women. The stronger sex vs. the weaker sex. A battle as old as time itself. These days women have taken on more traditional male duties.

I've had a few female readers ask me how come it's so hard to find a man that isn't threatened by a woman's strength (this doesn't apply to all men of course). Maybe she's got a higher position at work and makes more money. Why is that so emasculating, specially nowadays? Do men really like a stronger more successful woman?

Men like independent women. We even hear it in songs today. A woman that can do for herself is so appealing to some. When does it become a threatening situation to the male ego?

There are so many women out there that resort to dumbing themselves down just to please their man. Why?  Let's start with the fact that it's dishonest. You want to present yourself to your mate as you really are. But why hide the fruits of your labor, all the hard work you have put in. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If he starts to resent your success or accomplishments, get out! This isn't a characteristic you want in a mate. You want someone that will push you to excel even above and beyond their own merit. If someone can't accept your strength then it's plain to see what needs to happen.

No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission.

Thank you for reading :) 

Need Dating help?

I love writing blogs about dating in this city of ours. I also love the readers' questions. Please keep 'em comin!

I would also like to invite my readers to be featured as the Dating Scene's Guest Blogger. Email me your blogs and I will choose one to post every week. Share your thoughts with El Paso and have fun doing it!

If you have a question or a comment about the Dating Scene in El Paso email me at klizarra1@aol.com

THANK YOU :)

Confused in El Paso

 Hi Karina,

 

I'm a sinlge, educated 29 year old that is still having a hard time figuring out why it is so hard to find someone here in El Paso. I moved back to the Sun City in January and noticed how things haven't changed in the dating scene. I don't have kids, never been married and have a degree; I'm outgoing, fun and smart. What am I doing wrong? Please help!

 

Thanks,

Confused

 

 

Dear Confused,

 

Welcome back to the Sun City!

 

I'm sorry you are having trouble. Unfortunately you are right, things haven't changed.

 

I have friends in other cities, bigger cities. The dating scene is so different there. I am in no way dissing the people here but there is definitely a big difference. It could be the culture or just the opportunities in those areas. Could be a lot of things.

 

Don't feel like you are doing something wrong. I find it that the harder we want something the more it eludes us. Focus on your career and yourself. When you meet women, relax, each one doesn't necessarily have to be THE ONE. I believe that when we least expect it that's when cupid's arrow strikes.

 

Think about what you are really looking for in a woman. Maybe you aren't sure yet and this is a cosmic way of giving you the time you need to figure it out.

 

It comes down to this, we all have a mental picture of the "perfect" someone for us. The search is a learning experience. Makes us evaluate ourselves and our ideas in the process. How else will we know what we like and don't like in our partners.

 

 El Paso has its down side but I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Just keep your head up and believe me, she's out there right now probably going through the same thing you are.

 

Thank you for your email.

 

Good Luck!

 

- Kari

Blogger's Note

In the past, Dating Scene bloggers have participated in podcasts. The last few podcasts were a success and I would like to invite the readers to participate in a more direct way.

We will be recording a bimonthly Dating Scene podcast and I would like to invite all my readers that may be interested in being a guest on our podcast, to submit an email to me with a topic of interest. I will choose one to join me and our online editor Jay Koester in a discussion of past blogs and of course, our caller's questions.

So don't be shy and email me with your topics. I will post the winner as soon as one is chosen.

Thank you again for reading :0)

Email me at  klizarra1@aol.com 

The Space Between

First, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all of you guys that have submitted red flags that need to make it into our list of top 10 red flags men look out for. Keep 'em comin!

A good point was raised in your comments. The "space" issue. We all agree that one red flag we all need to stay away from is possessiveness. While at the beginning of the relationship it may be cute to spend every moment together, there may also come a point when an attraction can cross the line between cute and obsessive. We all remember "Fatal Attraction" don't we? :)

While things don't really need to go as severe as the movie, we need to think about what "needing space" really means. It simply means that as human beings we all need time to ourselves. It's not a gender issue, it's not girls being girls or guys being guys, it's also nothing to take offense to, it's just something needed in order for an identity to blossom both as an individual and as a couple.

Some men may like to hang out with their buddies to watch a game or play poker. Some ladies may like to go out with their girlfriends and catch a movie or go shopping (I am not stereotyping, I'm simply sharing some examples). Take some time to do the things you always enjoyed doing when you were single. Window shopping, playing the drums, playing a sport, etc. It's very important to maintain your own identity. It is completely alright to have these things happen in a relationship just as long as the time as a couple isn't compromised. Spending too much time away from your partner can damage the relationship.

I've heard some married couples say that they lost their identity as individuals. Many dating couples withdraw from their friends. Is that really necessary? Can't we have the best of both worlds? It's the space between our lives that can show us who we really are. 

Thank you for reading :)

Have a question or a comment? Email me at Klizarra1@aol.com

10 Red Flags in Dating Relationships

It's true that many relationships are intense, filled with passion. However, some actions can be telling signs of something more dangerous. If those signs are ignored, the consequences may not be so pretty.

Dating is a way to screen potential mates. It gives us an opportunity to engage in various scenarios that test the integrity of the person. I have been guilty of ignoring some very obvious signs of trouble early in the relationship. You know something doesn't feel right and still many of us ignore it. Why? Is it just another way of settling? or is it simply a fear of being alone?

I came across an article on very common Red Flags in dating relationships and I wanted to share it with you. It's quite extense and I didn't want to crowd the blog page so I posted the link. This article is written from a woman's perspective.

I would really like to hear what some of you guys out there have to say about red flags from a male perspective. Post them on here and I will compose a blog dedicated to them.

It doesn't matter how you slice it, if you aren't comfortable with certain things about your partner you either need to address it or move on. Life is too short to live in denial.

Thank you for reading :)